Love you

They said. But it’s become an ugly habit of mine. An easy way to nitpick and give in to my fluctuating emotions. So lemme see if I can frame my feelings in a more constructive way so I don’t come off as complaining or ungrateful.

Today, I woke up to a grumpy man. He’s only human, I have to keep reminding myself. I love him but it hurts seeing him this way. I thought of leaving him temporarily. I thought maybe since he is so caught up with work and other things, he really wouldn’t notice if I am gone. That’s a good thing so I can go on adventures and make memories without worrying about him worrying about me...

I really want to go to Virginia to work for Jay’s business and I have fond thoughts of having Tita Doree teach me how to drive while she still can. I can’t bring back time if I lose her. She is the only family I have that really cares. Between a man who doesn’t care to spend time with me and my aunt who is the opposite, can anyone really blame me for wanting the latter? I don’t think it’s a horrible thing. I miss not having a husband. Just me, myself and I.

Bottom line is, I don’t think it will make a huge difference. He does what he does and I do my things. This is how we can both be happy, it seems. If I go off to do my thing. I just wish Covid 19 didn’t male everything so complicated now.

It's drizzling outside today and it's still very gloomy. 

I am out to get fresh air and a Java Chip (I had this strong craving for some reason). And get my nails painted. And get some fruits...

Looking thru Indeed.com got overwhelming. The bummer of it all is I’ve had several jobs since I got here. Which makes me wonder if I will ever find that job that will make me content enough to stay for longer. I need to think this through. I have to take my time. I feel I need to ground myself to enlighten myself about my next move - in order to not fuck up this important decision anymore.

It was a hard decision to make (at first). Had I dealt with it as the reality that it is, it may have not taken me this long to decide my fate. I guess being in denial always clouds one's judgement. And trying to conform to society's expectations or anyone's expectation, for that matter, will always result in regrets. 

What I knew all along was: 

My ex boss has a suspicious nature. His general distrust of people made him quite difficult to work with such that a simple mistake or conversation can lead to unfounded assumptions. On top of that, he treated his employees like he was always better than them, he took advantage of less-educated people, he is a racist, a delusional psychopath who never took responsibility for his actions. He was a boring and very sad man who only had his occupation to live for.

Now that I know better:

I will find a better employer, I will continue to educate myself with the law and continue to stay strong.

Doug Stanhope said something about drugs and how it’s real purpose is to keep people in line. Anything to keep the production line moving. This made me realize how I was molded to be this way. Programmed to please, to flatter, to be polite, to surrender, support, submit, to stay in line. Everywhere I go this proves to be a great skill. I was groomed and bred well. And it makes me sick. I’ve turned into a wimp. Unimportant if only to serve. And now I am lost. I realize I have to find my way, but its too late—I think. I don’t know where to start.

Is because I am always caught off guard about horrible information as well as stupid information. I also hate how my idle mind gravitates to it then leaves me feeling either overwhelmed or weighed down.

I don't need social media to better myself. All the things I need are in books, in legit education, in everyday experience and inside of me. Unless I manage to keep myself grounded and focus on the things that truly matter to me, this growing business will never happen for me.

 It seems that I am conflicted with what I really want to do with my life... I want to take care of animals, I want to be an interior designer, a botanist, a simple office person, a yogi, a voice actor, etc... So many things that seem appealing yet when I start to seriously consider doing any of it, I get scared and shy away from the idea. I want so many things and I don't want so many things.

But I think, just like with anything you undertake in life, it will make you a better person by pushing you to boundaries you never wanted to cross or consider things you never thought possible with yourself. 

I've grown a lot since getting married and moving here to the US. If I could do it all over again, would I? Maybe not. But I cannot say that this has been a total mistake. I am here. And there is no way to go than to make the most of what I have.

Am I 100% happy? Not quite. It's tough missing family and friends and my old life. I miss them everyday. But this is my life now. And I have to work towards my happiness. This is what will help me grow. Accepting this stage in my life will only make me a better person. And that is ultimately, what I strive for.

Quite unproductive, lazy and unmotivated. Feeling really useless and questioning my existence for it. Being jobless can be a sad feeling. Though it shouldn't be. I could have done so much with my pathetic life yet being the introverted human that I am, I chose to stay home and do nothing of great value to anyone. I can't believe I've been living here in the US for three... THREE YEARS now and still don't know how to drive, get around, speak Spanish, found a better job, and feel at home. Is this even normal?

Today feels totally weird... Not sure what is going on but something in me can sense it.